Two forward, at least one back

Yesterday was one of those days that made me weary. It is important to note, first, that there have been improvement in how I've been feeling. I'm no longer in a constant state of nausea/vertigo. The pills I'm taking for this are causing a "detached" sensation, but that sure as hell beats what I was dealing with just a couple of days ago. I also think that my body is adjusting to the new Wellbutrin dosage (which is down by 1/2). My follow up with the dr's office is next week. More updates as they happen, of course. So, yesterday morning, I made the decision that I am tired of feeling like a prisoner of my couch. I got quite a bit done yesterday--some freelance writing work, a bit of cleaning up and even baked some cookies with Cailyn (and those of you with little kids know how 'stressful' that can be!!) after her weekly early dismissal. The first indication that the day wasn't going to go as planned was when I received an email from Amazon stating that there was a "delay" in my order shipment. "Your order won't be received until after 12/24." Ordinarily, this wouldn't bug me, but this shipment was the majority of Cailyn and Erin's Christmas gifts and they were ordered almost 3 weeks ago. For the first time in a Christmas season, I manage to have a plan, work on getting things done early and not procrastinating (a miracle if there ever was one ;) ). I'll make a long story short by stating that after a few glitches and crossed connections, I'm happy to report that the bulk of the order shipped last night. Phew. I was feeling rather frustrated, though at my efforts being apparently for nothing. Still, I had something to look forward to later in the day. One of my best friends (really more like family) had tickets for a holiday concert with Kenny Rogers, Ray Dean and Rebecca Lynn Howard; the night had been planned for months. Because of recent events, I was checked on numerous times to make sure I was up for the trip. By 4:45 pm, I determined that I was ready for the 30 minute drive to the show. It's a straight run up the Maine Turnpike and I felt just fine. About a little more than halfway through the trip, I noticed that I was fighting to keep control of the car. I wasn't all over the road, but it was definitely an effort to stay in my lane. Oh my God, I thought. It's happening again. My hands gripped the wheel, and I focused harder. Still, it was a battle and like nothing I had experienced before. I pulled the car over to the breakdown lane, and shook it off, thinking that I'm merely overcompensating for my gitters since all of the problems with the meds started. I felt physically fine (no nausea or dizziness), just--anxiety that I didn't feel in control. I started on the road again, and after another 5 minutes, the fear won out. I drove into the rest area, called Jon and started to cry. "I can't do this." I couldn't explain what happened, but Jon, being the incredible person he is, loaded the kids up, came to get me and then dropped me off at the restaurant where I was meeting my friend (I was an hour late). I felt totally fine, so I knew it would be ok to go to the show. On the way to the restaurant, however, Jon asked me if I battled with the car the way he did on his drive to get me. "Honey," he said, "the wind is fierce. I had a hard time keeping up with it. You were in control of the car...it was the wind..." The wind and my own self-consciousness. I felt drained, angry--and ashamed. How could I let anxiety take over so much? In the end, I"m glad I called, but now we have to make arrangements to get my car, which we left in the rest area. Jon may follow me home later, so we don't have to bother friends of ours, but I told him we'd see how I feel later on in the day. I'm feeling tired today and filled with a bit of doubt regarding driving...maybe until all of this gets resolved (dosage, etc.), I shouldn't drive...but, how will I function? The thought of getting behind the wheel freaks me out a bit, based on what happened last night. So much progress, and yet, I'm moving backwards at the same time. Sigh. I plan to get some rest today and keep trying to look forward. M.