It's finally happened--I've been tagged!

Never thought this would happen to me, but I've been tagged for a meme. Usually, I just steal these things when I can't think of anything better to write. And, as I told the lovely Robin, who was gracious enough to do the tagging, this is what happens to people who steal. Anyway, to those I've tagged, it's not mandatory to do this, but it would be great to see your answers! Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot. 1. Sarah and the Goon Squad 2. Little Miss Pissy Pants 3. Nickle Annie 4. Smiling through the cracks--Robin 5. Around the Writer's Block--Marie Then you get to select five people to pass the love on to. Gosh, I hate picking people for this stuff, so many choices, so many choices...You don't HAVE to, but it'll make me really happy if you do it. Consider it a late Xmas present. ;-) 1. Heidi--I love ya, hon, so you know I had to pick ya. 2. Sheri--I read ya every day and love your blog. I know your answers will be fab! 3. Jon--this is what you get for entering the world of blogging, honey! 4. Josie--a dedicated author who is incredibly busy, so I'm not sure she'll do this! 5. Mike--I'm sorry, dude. I respect ya tons and you are my writing idol--so I couldn't resist. What were you doing 10 years ago? In December of 1995, I was 4 months out of graduate school and working in a law office of all places. I couldn't find a teaching job to save my life. Jon and I had just celebrated our first official Christmas together (where we were in the same state) and getting ready to ring in 1996--the year we got married. I was 24 years old. Wow. I was YOUNG. I was also ballroom dancing on a regular basis; Jon and I were practicing for our wedding, and I was also practicing for professional-amateur competitions--oh, yeah, this was a previous life.... Five snacks you enjoy: 1. Caramel Ho-Hos--there's one reason my hips are so huge! LOL 2. chips and salsa 3. peppermint patties 4. cake with lots of icing 5. cheese (ohh, yeah, I'm with Robin on this) Five songs you know all the lyrics to: I know the words to many, many, many songs. Here are five of my favorites: 1. The entire libretto to Oklahoma (that would count as 5 songs right there, but I decided to lump them all together so no one could say I cheated!) 2. You Oughta Know--Alanis Morrisette. Doesn't every woman know this song? 3. We Didn't Start the Fire--Billy Joel. Yes, I know all the lyrics to this history lesson to music. I also know the lyrics to most of Billy's songs. Great stuff! 4. Revolution--The Beatles. A great song to crank up on my iPod! 5. Dust in the Wind--Kansas. Yeah, Kansas....got something to say about that?!? I also have Carry On Wayward Son on the ol iPod, and I have that one down, too. But, I like Dust better! Five things you would do if you were a millionaire: 1. Pay off all our bills 2. Set up trust fund/college account for the girls 3. Buy Jon the car of his dreams 4. Get my mom the house of her dreams, with maid staff included! She'd have a great kitchen, though, cuz she loves to cook, but would have access to some great chefs if she ever didn't feel like cooking. 5. Buy my dream home--ranch house, one wing for Jon and me, one for the girls...laundry on same floor, two car garage, great entertainment center and computer center...awesome kitchen. I have simple needs. Five bad habits: 1. I bite my nails (:( it's a lost cause, I'm afraid) 2. Portion control (but, I'm working on that one!) 3. Procrastinating--I'll tell you why later... 4. Yelling--but, I'm working on that one, too. 5. Assuming that people know what I'm thinking even when I don't tell them. (What am I thnking right now? You don't know? WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!!) Five things you like doing: 1. Eating 2. Writing 3. Sleeping 4. Going out with Jon 5. Watching West Wing or Mythbusters with Jon (ok, is it bad that I don't have anything with the girls listed????) 5 favorite toys: 1. my laptop 2. my iPod and it's little fm transmitter for my car 3. TiVo 4. Xbox 5. my blog

New Year's Thursday Thirteen

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. I forgot to send this last night, so here it goes.

Thirteen Things I want for 2006 1…. To devote at least 30 minutes a day to "non-work" writing. 2. Better eating habits. I want to avoid the word "diet" because they've never worked so far. So, I'd like to be more aware of what and how much I put in my mouth. 3. Get to the Y two days a week and get in the pool--even if it's just to move around a little. 4. For Jon to get the recognition at work that he deserves. If he doesn't within the first 6 months of the new year, I'm liable to go over there and give them hell. 5. To take more risks when it comes to meeting new people. I need to get out there more and trust people a little bit more. 6. For my girls to continue to grow, be healthy and be happy 7. For my girls not to drive me totally crazy in the process of accomplishing #6 8. To start taking care of myself without feeling guilt; saying "No" more often and just taking time to sit and do what I want, when I want it. 9. to clean out the basement once and for all and to create a nicer master bedroom for me and jon==for as little money as possible (can you say: "rearrange?") 10. To keep a close eye on our finances and continue to work our budget. It's been a shaky start with the holidays, but we can do it. 11. To have a wonderful 10 year wedding anniversary in July--even if it's just a long-weekend away somewhere locally! 12. To yell less and to listen more 13. To have more fun in my life during 2006. 2005 was a bit too serious for me--lots of change, problems, etc.. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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The Two Days of Christmas

Christmas at the Rossiter home was actually not as high maintenance as I thought it would be. The girls didn't get up at the ass-crack of dawn and we didn't even make it downstairs until almost 8am. (the girls' gift to us). They were pretty pleased with the presents and had a blast opening them, as you can see here: The annual ritual of rip, toss and squeal was alive and well in our home on Christmas morning. I have to say that I was a little perturbed at the fact that Cailyn seemed more impressed with the green sticky hand grabber in her stocking than her new GBA, but once Jon got it out of the box and she understood exactly what it was--she really enjoyed it. Erin walked around dressed as Cinderella for the entire day. Life was good. Then, on the 26th, we made our pilgrimage to Grandma and Papa's house (in Vermont--my folks) to celebrate the holiday. After encountering monsoon-like rains in New Hampshire (gotta love New England weather), we had a great drive home. The girls even managed to get along and not force us to threaten any post-Christmas beatings. Christmas is ok at our house: we have a nice tree and I do a little decorating in the house. However, in order to really see what can be done to trim the tree and deck the halls, you need to come to my Mom's house: Welcome to Christmas Village! This display has been almost 20 years in the making and has taken over the new addition on my parents' house. What was once a summer room is now the Christmas room. Mom has collected these things forever and has put them up from time to time, but nothing like this. I tease her about her mania regarding this village, but I have to admit, it's impressive. Yes, this is a working fountain in the church square.... A close up shot of one section of town. But, the big fun at Christmas doesn't stop at the village--nope! In true grandparent fashion, my folks went crazy with the presents. Need proof? Here ya go: This is the before picture. There isn't an after picture, because, quite honestly, it was too horrifying to post publicly LOL. The girls were very good, I have to say--I'm just wondering when my real children will be returned for these well-behaved/calm children. Until then, I'll enjoy my Christmas gift. Oh, speaking of gifts, Jon did very well this year (he must have read my blog post about Christmas shopping and gifts). It just goes to show that he didn't need to spend a fortune, but I LOVED the gifts that I recieved. Thank you, babe! I love ya so much! To all parents out there, I wish you a happy recovery from the holidays. We've earned it! M.

My (sort of) Holiday Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things about ME 1…. It's Dec. 22 and my deadline for having my gifts all bought and wrapped was Dec. 15. 2. The majority of my gifts are still hiding/buried in my upstairs bedroom closet--unwrapped. But, at least I've started on it--which is better than last year! LOL 3. I still have a few gifts to buy. Well, not have to, but should. 4. I did manage to get all of the gifts made/baked that I said I would. And, it was greatly appreciated. As much work as it was, I'm really glad that I did it and that it was liked by those who received them. 5. I still want to have all of my gifts wrapped by the 24th. Guess what I'm doing tonight and tomorrow night? 6. Wait a minute, I have choir practice tonight, which should be fun since my voice has been hoarse for 4 days now. There goes my chance for the big solo (YEAH, RIGHT). Maybe Jon will wrap some presents for me once the girls go down to sleep...and I'll help when I get home. 7. I'm wondering how awful would it be if I just decided to go to Mass with the family at 4 on Christmas Eve and not sing at the 6:30 Mass. My dilemma: I do enjoy singing, especially at Christmas. I just don't like going to rehearsal in the cold, Maine evenings. 8. I really do think that time goes by faster as I get older. Wasn't it just Christmas 2004 a few days ago?? 9. I've noticed a "stripe" of gray hair near the front of my hair, right near my scalp line. It should make me feel old (which it does just a tiny bit), but I admit I kinda like it. 10. I took a 15 minute nap (Cailyn is playing outside in the neighbor's yard and Erin is at preschool!). Naps are wonderful things. 11. Wouldn't it be great if we could give naps for Christmas gifts--for friends and loved ones to use when they need it?? I know I'd love that! It always fits and I certainly would never return it. 12. When it comes right down to it, I already have all I need. I take for granted the people and things in my life. That's what the holidays should really be about--family, friends and appreciating what we have. It used to be that way, I think. I know I've been trying to focus on that a lot this year, but it's so easy to get sucked up in creating the perfect Christmas. As Charlie Brown so eloquently put it, "Christmas is too commercial!" I need to pull out my Charlie Brown special and watch it again. 13. Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanzaa or whatever you may celebrate! Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Shiny Red Shoes

It happens every year: one of my children add some last minute item to their Christmas list that they just HAVE TO HAVE. For the first time in ages, I've been ahead of the game with the shopping (although not so much with the wrapping, but hey, it's a start). I was done as of last week. However, last week, Erin (the 3 y.o.) announced emphatically to me on her way to preschool: "Mommy, I want shiny, sparkly red shoes. They have to be red and have a strap and shiny and like Dorothy's. But, I'm going to wear them so I can be a true princess like Dora [the Explorer]". I gave the standard answer any parent gives to a child in a situation like this: "Mm hmm, maybe some day." Translation: "Whatever." We adults believe things like this are just a passing fancy and the little tyke will latch onto something else tomorrow. Not Erin. She remembers all, and makes sure that everyone around her knows that she ain't forgetting anything. The child can't remember to pick up her toys when she's done, but, oh, she can give you a highly detailed description of what she wants for Christmas. In the seven days since the first mention of these blasted shoes, not a single day has gone by without Erin reminding me (and telling the world) about how much she wants them and has to have them. It doesn't matter if I'm dropping her off, picking her up, giving her a bath, or if she's wiping her butt after going potty, she says the same thing each time. "Mommy, I want shiny, sparkly red shoes. They have to be red and have a strap and shiny and like Dorothy's. But, I'm going to wear them so I can be a true princess like Dora [the Explorer]". In a moment that proves that my mind holds mindless pieces of information that pop up at the most appropriate times, my brain recalled a line from the movie "A Chorus Line", where one of the dancers auditioning for a role speaks of a supposed beloved movie of a fellow dancer:

"See, I've never heard of 'The Red Shoes'. I've never seen 'The Red Shoes'. I don't give a shit about 'The Red Shoes."

I fully understand what she's talking about. But today, a major revelation happened. While watching Erin's preschool Christmas pageant, I saw them. There are actually red sparkly shoes out there, because a little girl in Erin's class had them. Ah, hell. As soon as the show was over, Erin made sure that I saw them. "See Abby has them! But, they don't have a buckle." Picky, picky. So, in a move that probably caused me to look some some freakish stalker lady, I chased down the girl's mom and asked her where she got those shoes. The answer: Wal-Mart. Yeah, exactly where I want to go 5 days before Christmas. If you need convincing, let my husband Jon explain further. But, of course, being the sucker mom that I am, went to Wally World in search of the Holy Grail of Shoes. I found the last pair on Earth--in a size 2 sizes too big for my kid. But, size really doesn't matter, so I picked them up, feeling victorious in my quest. They should have been for Christmas, but when I picked Erin up, she asked if I found her shoes, yet. In the interest of my sanity, she got the shoes tonight. My reward? A great big smile....and the delightful sounds of shoes two sizes too big stomping throughout my house. So much for my sanity.

Actor John Spencer has died - TELEVISION - MSNBC.com

This is one of those news stories that, when I saw the headline, thought was one of those sick jokes/rumors. Unfortunately, it's not. I know it sounds stupid--I don't know this man personally at all, but since 1999, this man and the character he created has touched my life significantly. It was clear in watching John Spencer that he loved...had a passion...for his craft. He made The West Wing the powerhouse it was in its heyday and gave it a shred of dignity since its decline over the past couple of years. He was one of the reasons I kept with the show, even though it has lost its lustre. And, the irony that he passed away from the same ailment his character had....unreal. So, while it may seem silly to mourn a stranger, I shed a tear for a great performer and a great professional.

DH's all "abuzz" about blogs

Are you ready for this? My DH, Jon, has decided to enter the blogging world! You could have knocked me over with a feather. Needless to say, I'm very interested in his view of things (I know you're gonna talk about me, honey!!! It's all good, cuz I talk about you, too! LOL). Go over and check out his blog Buzzing in my Brain. The man is funny--one of the many reasons he scored such a wonderful lady as me! I suppose he had to create his own forum, since he gets tired of asking me the types of questions he'll be posting and getting no answer. LOL Still, since I am the one in the family, at least between the grown ups, that likes to have the last word, I'm sure I'll respond to a number of his observations/questions. As a matter of fact, his first question is just ripe for the picking, and I'll be tackling that one on a separate post. Please, go check him out--it's not often a wife asks people to do that with her husband. I tease him and crack on him a bit, but he really does think about some interesting things. Besides, it's always good to hear the man's side of things in a relationship....although I have to wonder just how much he'll really reveal...

Another budding writer in the family...

I received this note, from my 7 yo, Cailyn, finely gift-wrapped in a "re-gifted" box and some nicely tied gold ribbon: Dear mom you are the best mom ever, xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I love you so much I could dran [read: drown] in the love I have for you. I love you! (with a little heart for the dot) Of course, my first reaction was to give her a big hug and kiss; she was mighty proud of her work. After she went on her way, I had to marvel at her choice of words. My oldest child has mastered the art of hyperbole...LOL leave it to a kid. Maybe she'll be a poet--with images like that, she can't miss. Still, a great present from my oldest. :)

Domestic Goddess in Training

All my life, I've marveled at people who are creative with their hands, particularly with decorations or in the kitchen. While I can hang pictures so that they're relatively straight and I can cook some decent meals, most of the time, they just aren't--how shall I say it--pretty. My mom has the gift of great style when it comes to crafts and cooking; the stuff she makes is not only functional or delicious, but it looks fabulous. In my case, my motto is: it tastes/works better than it looks. Mom has tried to teach me this talent, probably with the hopes of passing it on to the next generation. So far (other than crochet), the best shot she has at keeping this skill in our blood lines is if it has skipped a generation and gone directly to my girls. However, there may be a tiny ray of hope for me. The desire to keep at least a little shred of joy in the holiday season, I've tried to stay out of the shops: not entirely, of course, but at least to try to focus on keeping things a little simpler this Christmas. Therefore, I opted for the "homemade" gift route. My concern was that they'd look tacky and like I did a half-assed job. Here's a pic of the final result: Each mug has a package of marshmallows in blue plastic wrapping and then homemade hot cocoa mix on top, sealed in a ziplock and then surrounded with gold snowflake wrapping. Tucked in the back of the mug, a hand dipped chocolate spoon and a candy cane. In the gift bag, I included jelly filled/choc dipped cookies, brownies sprinkled with crushed peppermint stick and then green/red twist cookies shaped like candy canes. The cookies look ok--not the way I pictured them in my head, but not as bad as previous attempts. But, the whole really does look better than the sum of its parts. I think our friends and Jon's co-workers will enjoy their packages. I can honestly say they were made with heart and care. And, as far as being simple--well, let's just say that it wasn't hard--but a bit time consuming. It was totally worth it. I have about a 1/2 dozen more of these to do the end of next week for the girls' teachers. Hey, mom...getting scared, yet? I am....this cooking/domestic thing isn't too bad.

STORM CENTER! STORM CENTER! STORM CENTER!

As is typical of how December has been going, I woke up this morning around 7 to the sounds of Jon asking me to help get the girls ready for school. Now, since I've not been feeling so swift, lately, I decide not to be a total bitch and get up. The fact that it was still pretty dark wasn't helping to convince my ass to get out of the bed, though. I flip the tv from music (gotta love digital music!!) to one of our local stations. An all-too-familiar sight appears at the bottom of my screen. The blue banner with glaring white letters are mocking me. It's STORM CENTER! Up here in Maine, there are actually comedians (MARLEY/HAMM--OH, YEAH!) who do whole bits about this seasonal tradition. Forget the fact that holiday decorations have been up since Labor Day in many stores; never mind that no less than two radio stations have 24/7 Christmas music--which they call holiday music, but come on, I haven't heard a Hannukah song, yet, folks; it matters not that I've made two batches of cookies this week... Those of us in this area of Maine truly know " ' tis the season" when the local news anchors/weather people are wearing the sweaters and the blue and white banner runs constantly down below--school closing time!! Of course, when I was a teacher, I prayed for this sight when I woke up some winter mornings. I even have a patented "Dance of the Snow Day Fairy" [I hear you scoff, but don't mess with the powers, nonbelievers]. I have people actually call me up and make requests: my accuracy is no less than 87% in any given season. This is when my friends/family stop hiding behind various objects because they have a "weather geek" in their lives (selfish bastards! LOL Just kidding, guys!!). Now that I work at home, my dancing days are fewer and much more far between. I want these kids going to school!!! Needless to say, it wasn't until both kids were UP and watching Nickelodeon downstairs that I see Auburn is closed. Oh, hell... To think I could have slept a little more. Such is life. The day wasn't bad, though. Cailyn had a ball outside and it was pretty to look at... More pics to come tomorrow. I got a bit done around the house, starting to get caught up after the week from hell. Cleaning, cooking, gift prep and even a bit of online shopping. Snow days like this aren't so bad after all.

Thursday Thirteen!

Thirteen Things about MARIE I love our Christmas tree. Every year we put it up, it always looks great! I have ornaments from when I was a baby all the way up to this year. I buy a new one for each of my girls each year, in order to carry on the tradition--and they will have a "starter" kit for their own tree, just like my mom did for me. I actually updated my Amazon.com wish list. Wanna check it out and see how lame I am? Click here. Jon always complains that I don't give him ideas for gifts, so I decided it was time to put a few things there. Since when do I want kitchen stuff? God, I am getting old and domestic. A nice piece of jewelry wouldn't be a bad thing, either. ;) Not necessarily expensive, just nice. I downloaded some Christmas and other music onto my Ipod today. Haven't done that in a while, either. I'm learning how to let go of being responsible for everyone else, except for me. This doesn't mean that I don't care or won't help--but, how can I expect others in my life to take on things if I don't give them the chance? Letting go of control of these things isn't easy, though. Letting go, period, ain't easy. I'm listening to Cailyn reading aloud--and the fact that she does so well blows me away. It's amazing how kids learn language, really--but, this is how a teacher's mind works (can take me out of the classroom, but....) Tonight is better than this morning. Living moment by moment is something that I'm being forced to learn. I think it will be a lesson well worth the struggle. I have a number of family outings planned for the four of us over the next few weeks--nothing major, but fun for Christmas. We're going to see two local performances (a living nativity and a Christmas Spectacular that I've heard about). I hope to be singing in a Messiah sing-a-long concert--I really want to be well enough for that next week!! And, one night right before Christmas, I want to get the kids in their PJs, and just before they go to bed, surprise them by taking them out to go look at the many beautiful light displays in our area. We'll have some carols in the car, a thermos of hot chocolate and off we'll go. Jon just called and said he's picking up Wendy's for dinner. Yeah, I love this guy and need to keep him around. It's never possible for me to stay angry with him--no matter how much I may want to. Tomorrow is going to be better than today....I need to believe that. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Renee The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

revamped website

Forgot to mention that I've revamped my website. Check it out at www.marierossiter.com and let me know what you think! It is a lot more comprehensive, includes some of my photography work, as well as many more writing samples (fiction, articles, non-fiction). I'm pretty pleased. Comments/suggestions are more than welcome! Thanks for reading! M.

Two forward, at least one back

Yesterday was one of those days that made me weary. It is important to note, first, that there have been improvement in how I've been feeling. I'm no longer in a constant state of nausea/vertigo. The pills I'm taking for this are causing a "detached" sensation, but that sure as hell beats what I was dealing with just a couple of days ago. I also think that my body is adjusting to the new Wellbutrin dosage (which is down by 1/2). My follow up with the dr's office is next week. More updates as they happen, of course. So, yesterday morning, I made the decision that I am tired of feeling like a prisoner of my couch. I got quite a bit done yesterday--some freelance writing work, a bit of cleaning up and even baked some cookies with Cailyn (and those of you with little kids know how 'stressful' that can be!!) after her weekly early dismissal. The first indication that the day wasn't going to go as planned was when I received an email from Amazon stating that there was a "delay" in my order shipment. "Your order won't be received until after 12/24." Ordinarily, this wouldn't bug me, but this shipment was the majority of Cailyn and Erin's Christmas gifts and they were ordered almost 3 weeks ago. For the first time in a Christmas season, I manage to have a plan, work on getting things done early and not procrastinating (a miracle if there ever was one ;) ). I'll make a long story short by stating that after a few glitches and crossed connections, I'm happy to report that the bulk of the order shipped last night. Phew. I was feeling rather frustrated, though at my efforts being apparently for nothing. Still, I had something to look forward to later in the day. One of my best friends (really more like family) had tickets for a holiday concert with Kenny Rogers, Ray Dean and Rebecca Lynn Howard; the night had been planned for months. Because of recent events, I was checked on numerous times to make sure I was up for the trip. By 4:45 pm, I determined that I was ready for the 30 minute drive to the show. It's a straight run up the Maine Turnpike and I felt just fine. About a little more than halfway through the trip, I noticed that I was fighting to keep control of the car. I wasn't all over the road, but it was definitely an effort to stay in my lane. Oh my God, I thought. It's happening again. My hands gripped the wheel, and I focused harder. Still, it was a battle and like nothing I had experienced before. I pulled the car over to the breakdown lane, and shook it off, thinking that I'm merely overcompensating for my gitters since all of the problems with the meds started. I felt physically fine (no nausea or dizziness), just--anxiety that I didn't feel in control. I started on the road again, and after another 5 minutes, the fear won out. I drove into the rest area, called Jon and started to cry. "I can't do this." I couldn't explain what happened, but Jon, being the incredible person he is, loaded the kids up, came to get me and then dropped me off at the restaurant where I was meeting my friend (I was an hour late). I felt totally fine, so I knew it would be ok to go to the show. On the way to the restaurant, however, Jon asked me if I battled with the car the way he did on his drive to get me. "Honey," he said, "the wind is fierce. I had a hard time keeping up with it. You were in control of the car...it was the wind..." The wind and my own self-consciousness. I felt drained, angry--and ashamed. How could I let anxiety take over so much? In the end, I"m glad I called, but now we have to make arrangements to get my car, which we left in the rest area. Jon may follow me home later, so we don't have to bother friends of ours, but I told him we'd see how I feel later on in the day. I'm feeling tired today and filled with a bit of doubt regarding driving...maybe until all of this gets resolved (dosage, etc.), I shouldn't drive...but, how will I function? The thought of getting behind the wheel freaks me out a bit, based on what happened last night. So much progress, and yet, I'm moving backwards at the same time. Sigh. I plan to get some rest today and keep trying to look forward. M.

The true medicine

I received an email today from someone who has been keeping up with my situation. She wrote the following:

I read your blog at home last night and wanted to offer my encouragement to you to keep on being true to yourself. I hope you have a good support system

Have a peaceful day

There's a few things that struck me about this brief email. First, the person who wrote it. I've known her for a while now. Technically speaking, she is one of my many "bosses". As a freelancer, I work for a number of people. This particular person has always been a friend to me, as well as someone for whom I work. Pure and simple: she's good people--she makes my job so much easier and we work incredibly well together. In response to her email, the first thing I did was thank her for encouragement and well wishes. I explained that I knew that writing about this is extremely personal and poses a risk to me, professionally. After all, prospective employers and other sources can see my "dirty laundry" hanging in the air. I concluded that, in the end, that by addressing this subject not only helps me confirm who I am in a complete way, but also affirms the millions of others in the world who cope with depression on a daily basis. Who I am to deny these people? Why am I better than they? Depression is a disease that festers in darkness--therefore, bringing it out into the light, into the open, must be a sure fire way to conquer it. I also assured her that I have an incredible support system. It is people like her and the others out there who have sent their thoughts and prayers my way. Then, of course, there is my inner circle: Jon, my family and my friends. I confess that I keep a pretty tight circle, and in my inner circle's defense, being in this position can't be easy. Yet, each one of them is key in my recovery. Much the same way an alcoholic, drug or other addict, "recovery" is a relative term. Depression isn't cured--it is handled/managed. It is a daily challenge. Some days are a struggle, many will be successful. And, yes, there are many drugs available to help with treatment. The best medicine doesn't come in a bottle, though. It comes in the patience, understanding and love of family and friends. It's not easy for them: they put up with the roller coaster ride of depression and do it without question. I'm one of the lucky ones, as not all people in my place can say the same thing. The days have been dark lately, but as I told my friend--I have incredible support. They are the light at the end of this tunnel. I can see it clearly.

stopped in my tracks part 2

Well, the doctor's visit was productive, but not exactly conclusive. Here's a few things that the doctor believes my symptoms are NOT indicative of:

• a neurological condition
• a cardiac condition

So, consider me grateful for that.

Of course, without any real illness to pinpoint the cause of my symptoms, we wind up having a bit of a guessing game on our hands. It could be any/all of the following:

• boosting my new antidepressant too quickly
• removing me from my old antidepressant too quickly
• my inner ear having a reaction to a bad head cold I had for about a month that finally passed about a week ago (talk about a bad coincidence there, huh?)

What to do? What to do? For now, I've been dropped back to 1/2 my prescribed medication of the AD to see if that helps. In the meantime, I've also been given a version of--wait for it--dramamine to help me with the vertigo and nausea. I'm not allowed to drive for the next few days, either. It's a bummer, but I guess it's better than wrapping myself around a tree somewhere.

I made the comment the other day, as I was mid-heave sometime, that a part of me wishes I had never started the depressants to begin with. It's a stupid thought, I know. Where would I be right now if I hadn't? Perhaps I wouldn't be dealing with the dizziness and nausea, but the other things I'd have to deal with would most likely be much worse. It's all relative, I guess.

My bff, Heidi, said that when things like this happen, it reminds us about the little things that we take for granted (see last post) and helps get our priorities straight. She makes a very good point.

So, what next? I take the meds as prescribed, get some rest and gradually try to wean myself back into my normal daily routine. And pray that I don't have to change meds again for a long time...

This is all happening for a good reason. I just need some help figuring out what it is.

stopped in my tracks part 1

I take my health for granted. Who doesn't, really? People go along their merry way, minding their own business, thinking all is right with the world until something happens that pulls us up by the scruff of the neck and says, "Hold on just a minute, mortal." Consider me duly yanked. In the interest of painting a complete picture, I am going to be 100% honest in this post. It's not that I'm a pathological liar, ordinarily (although, if I were, would I know it, really?); it's just that up until now I haven't been comfortable talking about most of this stuff. But, this "stuff" is who I am--no sense in denying it. If you're not interested in a descriptive history, I won't feel bad if you take a pass on this post. About a year ago, I went to the doctor when I discovered that I probably needed some help regarding some mood swings and depression I'd been experiencing. The turning point was when I broke my bathroom closet door by hitting it. I figured that it was better than taking it out on anything else (especially my beautiful girls). Yeah, that was enough to finally get my attention. So, off I went. Fortunately, the doctor was very helpful and got me started on a low dosage of an antidepressant and also gave me some Ambien to help me sleep; I hadn't been sleeping well for at least six months. Within a few weeks, the clouds started to lift and the mood swings were mostly under control, with the exception of some PMS (hey, no one's perfect and it is PMS, after all LOL). Evenutually, I got off the Ambien and started sleeping on my own. I was feeling good. Months later--I'm not exactly sure when--I noticed a new side effect to the antidepressant. Weight gain, and not just a few pounds. In in the interest of the honesty I promised above, I confess that when I started the antidepressant, I was already very overweight, but I had started to lose some of it during that first doctor visit--to the tune of almost 40 pounds. I had at least 60 pounds to go, but it was a start. Instead of losing weight on my new meds, though, I was gaining. I tried not to notice at first, but when clothes don't fit anymore and you have a hard time recognizing yourself in the mirror, well--reality bites hard. Almost a year to the day of getting help for my depression, I went back to the doctor for help with my weight. We determined that the drug was at least partially responsible for the gain (to the tune of almost 70 pounds from the previous year). So, the doctor switched me to a new med--had me slowly introduce it and then raise it so I could drop the other. Here's a tip for those of you in a similar situation re: having to drop one antidepressant for another--it ain't fun. Over the past 5 days, I have been in a pereputal state of dizziness and nausea, had the dry heaves, felt like crap and am now just plum worn out. I thought it was just me thinking I was sick because of the med change, but after dry heaving into a wastebasket in my room, the thought dawned on me that perhaps this wasn't a mind over matter thing. I'm not a wuss and don't like being thought of as one. This is stubbornness on my part, I suppose. But, after almost 5 days like this, I called the doctor once again--which brings me to right now, where I'm waiting for DH to come pick me up because I can't even drive myself to the doctor. I want my life back and at this point, I don't care what I have to do to get it back. I am grateful to God that I'm not critically ill, and I have a new appreciation for people who struggle to get off certain drugs or medications. It is an ordeal that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I just hope that the doctor has an explanation. I've talked, at length, with my mom, who has been a nurse for almost 40 years. She has her theories, but I'll share those in my next post. I've written down all of my symptoms and plan on discussing this calmly and rationally with the doctor. Please, any kind thoughts you may have would help. I'll update later, after my appointment. If you've read all this, I say a heartfelt thanks. Thanks for "listening".